Kurt Cobain's Suicide Note

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. 

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things. For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. 

The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. 

Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child. 

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know! 

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. 

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! 

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. 

Peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain 

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be so much happier without me. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

마흔이 넘어선 지금 이제, 조금은 그의 기분이 이해가 가는 것 같기도 하다. 
그가 떠난 지 올해로 24년이 되었다. 나는 왜 27살에 죽지 않았을까. 
나는 그처럼 천재도 아니고, 죽을정도 수준의 사랑과 분노의 감정이 없기 때문이다. 
삶은 보란듯이 흘러갈거고, 매년 4월 5일이 되면 늘 그렇듯 그의 글을 읽으며 영원히 27살인 그와 
철없이 나이만 들어가고 세상에 희석되어가며 거짓말만 늘어가는 나 자신을 비교하면서 비참한 기분으로 술을 마시겠지. 

by spaceboy | 2018/04/05 15:52 | Electrification : muzique | 트랙백 | 덧글(0)

트랙백 주소 : http://catology.egloos.com/tb/3218345
☞ 내 이글루에 이 글과 관련된 글 쓰기 (트랙백 보내기) [도움말]

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